Story:The One-Man Army
The One-Man Army is a parody story not meant to be taken seriously at all. It deliberately uses plot holes and ridiculous characters, then plays them realistically. Chapter 1 The Galactic Senate was at the apex of its glory. The Eteno Imperial Triumvirate, the Karalian Empire, and the Karnasaur Meritocratic Federation flourished. Meanwhile, there was a human supersoldier named Invince. At birth, his home planet was invaded by Harbingers, and he was the sole survivor. When he grew up, he met a Titan who gave him some new equipment, including a special blue sweatband of power and a pair of bike shorts that prevented Invince from ever being mean or wrong. He was told that he was the Chosen One - it was his destiny to protect the human race. This Titan gave him these special powers, though Invince was never told why. He accepted who he was as he was the only one who could save the universe. In reality, Invince was picked for no particular reason - just as random as winning the lottery. Invince himself was never told that, so this Titan came up with "Chosen One". When Invince came of age to defend the galaxy, he always wore an armored pressure suit and could survive on any planet. With the ability to produce wormholes to other universes, he could create energy from nothingness. He had unlimited ammo in his guns as well as unlimited oxygen in his tanks. His armor could absorb bullets, deconstruct them into its atoms, then replenish damage into his suit. His bullets on the other hand were designed to kill anything in one shot. It is not known how it does it, but the Titan that gave him his powers made it that way. His personal starship was made of an impossibly hard material that could not be broken. How it was designed was unknown. The Titan made it as well, just for him. Though he was unstoppable, he cared deeply for others. He believed that humans were the most important race in the universe. Earth was the center and everything revolved around it. Upon learning that Earth was under Eteno occupation, he decided to attack. Why did he decide to attack? When Invince was in school, his teachers knew that he was already very smart. Enthralled by his supreme intelligence, they passed him. Because of this, Invince never learned the true reason why humans left Earth. But he didn't care. He wanted the Eteno out so that humanity could retake it. To him, the Eteno were evil. He wanted to ambush them - he landed on Earth in the area once known as the USA. He used a cloaking device that made his ship invisible to the normal eye. Even though the Eteno could have easily detected his heat signatures, their radar equipment just so happened to be broken at the time. It was quite convenient, actually. Seeing Invince walking about, an Eteno guard stopped him. "Sir, where's your passport?" "This is my planet! Get off of it, you invading scum!" shouted Invince. "Excuse me?!" the guard said. Then with one single punch to the face, Invince managed smash his skull. Another nearby guard shot at him, but Invince deflected it - the bullets bounced back and hit the guard, killing him in one shot. The alarm sounded and more Eteno guards charged him straight on. Invince was clearly outnumbered, but something came across the minds of these Eteno. Rather than flanking Invince or attempting to capture him, they decided to charge straight on. Our hero plowed through as easily as one could walk through a cornfield. Eventually, Invince climbed to the top of the embassy and pointed his guns at an Eteno official. "Give me back this planet!" Invince shouted. The official crossed his arms and stared him down, absolutely frustrated. "How dare you just walk up to here! You come in and kill 100 of my bodyguards?! They cost 20 Grums each!" "You don't realize how important Earth is," Invince said. "A Titan chose me to protect humanity!" "You humans have plenty other planets to choose from. You had to leave because you were being invaded by another hostile race." "No...You took Earth away from us! I will destroy every last one of you Eteno scum." "You and what army?" the official asked. Invince shot the official's face, killing him. "This army." And so, with a single gunshot and a hundred dead guards, Invince had taken back Earth. Humanity had its home back, but he wanted to destroy the rest of the Eteno. "Wait, wait," said Uszaroth, a red imp from behind the wall of text written here. "So, he just walked up and shot an ambassador, and he took back Earth just like that?" Yes, indeed he did. Now allow me to continue on to the next chapter to continue this wonderful, epic story of mine. "But he only did it in North America? What about the other colonies?" the imp said. "The Eteno have more settlements on Earth. This is a major plot hole. Are you going to at least explain it?" That doesn't matter right now, my friend. "How did-" Shhh. The audience is not supposed to notice those kinds of things. "But-" Zip it. "What about-" Zip. You are interrupting the story. "This story sucks anyway. Think I'll stick around to make fun of it though." Anyway, now on to Chapter 2. Chapter 2 The next step for our hero was to take down the Eteno colonies and destroy their homeworld. He had to do it all by himself as that was his destiny. "You do realize that this is godmodding?" Uszaroth said. "And that Marana will be quite ticked off to find out someone has been making their creations look like an army of red shirts?" Ahem. So, our hero had went by colony after colony destroying the Eteno. His ship was completely impervious to all damage. No matter what the Eteno threw at him, Invince could not be stopped. Quite simply, he was an invincible force of goodness. Then, Invince finally came to the planet Malisk II. This was it. Against all odds, he had finally come this far. Every Eteno colony had been ravaged except for Malisk II itself. Invince then deployed a bomb that quite simply blew up the planet. It exploded in a gigantic sphere of fire. The sound of it echoed across the cosmos and could be heard from lightyears away. Meanwhile, on Ucharpli, a Vaikan said, "Guys, did you hear that loud boom? That sounded like an explosion. It must have been Malisk II. Someone has destroyed a planet! It is time we hunt down Invince!" Our hero had made a new enemy - the Karalian Empire. "Somewhere, an astronomy buff is crying himself to death after reading those last two paragraphs," Uszaroth said. Invince somehow knew that the Vaikan were going to attack him. He was apparently so intelligent, he predicted where each Vaikan spaceship was going to show up. Although he most likely needed the right knowledge, for him, predicting the future and intelligence were one and the same. Though the Vaikan would clearly be smart enough to plan an ambush, for some reason, they decided to send all their forces to Invince's ship right in the ruins of Malisk II. Like a flanking arrangement of battleships, the Vaikan warships charged straight on in a circular ring formation. Invince had to spin around like the hands of a haywire clock to gun them down each with one shot. "Why don't the Vaikan ships go in a sphere?" Because everyone knows that space is two-dimensional. It's much like an ocean, actually. You need to arrange your ships to blockade the enemy. "But space does not work that way!" Quiet. It's too complicated if it's realistic. Anyway, soon enough, the entirety of the Vaikan military force had surrounded him. He could not keep shooting forever. However, a convenient detail not mentioned earlier was that Invince had a "kill" button that destroyed all enemy ships. So he pressed it, and every single Vaikan ship everywhere was destroyed. Conveniently, every single Vaikan in the universe happened to be off-planet and on a ship. So the Vaikan were now extinct. All of them. Gone. With a single press of a button. "Okay, time out," Uszaroth said. "If this guy was really so smart...THEN WHY DIDN'T HE USE THIS THING EARLIER ON THE ETENO?!" Uszaroth, quiet. What did I tell you? Minor details like that don't matter. Chapter 3 Well, anyway, the Vaikan were destroyed. Now, it was the Karnasaurs that were left. From there, Invince decided to assassinate Emporor Clar Kahn. So he went to Karnas, walked straight up to him and shot him. The guards didn't do anything about it. Something came over their heads. They didn't want to arrest him for some reason. "I want to battle your strongest champion. Right now! If I win, all of you evil Karnasaurs will be destroyed." "We are not evil," said a guard. "Yes you are. Because you look like a dragon. And dragons are always evil." Invince shot and killed him. Uszaroth intervened. "Okay, it's official. All humans are racist against aliens." Then that makes you racist to assume that. "Touche, narrator. That's the most clever thing you've said this entire time." Anyway, that moment, the Karnasaur warrior Etah Owar had to stop what he was doing and come all the way to Karnas to confront Invince. Etah was immortal- "And a much better character," Uszaroth said. No he isn't. Just let me continue. You'll soon see why Invince is better. "Fight me," the Chosen One said. "Sure as hell I will. You just committed genocide against two entire races. What do you think I'll do to you?" "Nothing," Invince said. Etah punched at him, but Invince dodged it predicting his every move. Eventually, Etah began overpowering our hero - Invince's first worthy opponent. Using the twin blades Shadowbane and Lightbringer, Etah managed to pierce Invince's suit. Etah's two swords could slay Titan, and someone finally stood a chance against our hero. It's too bad Etah was not a Titan himself though. Because Invince called on the power of the Titan that gave him his abilities, and he burned through his immortality and fried him alive. Etah was defeated. "With...necronis?" Uszaroth said. Erm...yes. That thing. Necrowhatever. "Yes, I'm sure you actually read the article on Etah Owar," Uszaroth replied sarcastically. From that point on, Invince went around the galaxy and slayed the evil Karnasaurs over the span of just a few minutes. He went to every single colony and killed all the Karnasaurs and took all their technology for himself. "WTF!" Okay, fine. A few hours. Uszaroth eyed the narrator and crinkled his face. Okay, a few days. Better? Chapter 4 "I did it! I saved the universe! I have rescued humanity!" Invince shouted over the ravaged planet of Karnas. "What is this monstrosity? It upsets the balance of the unieverse!" said a disembodied voice. Uszaroth? I told you to stop interrupting! "I swear that wasn't me," Uszaroth shouted panically. Then who? The deep voice boomed across the entire omniverse. All universes could hear the message. Real life itself had the message conveyed in the form of text on a multi-user wiki. "Your petty mortal feuds and greed are my worst enemy because I have been forsaken by all I have created for all of the things I have made, you have all forgotten me. You may call me 'I', so that whenever you make a foolishly prideful claim about yourself, you will remember this day, and you will never forget me again!" "Who are you, entity?" Invince questioned. 'You cannot defeat me. I am the Chosen One. I am destined to lead humanity as its hero!" "Oh crap," Uszaroth said. "This isn't going to end well." "For my own sake, I just told you, arrogant Invince!" 'I' said. "You may call yourself a hero, but in reality, you are insignificant along with all mortals. You've taken your powers for granted and used them for your own selfish wills. You are not a perfect being. You are merely a tool for some Titan wishing to create his own fantasy. You have no personality. Your existence is meaningless. You are nothing more than the figment of someone's imagination." "I'll prove you wrong. I will fight you !" Invince said. "You are invincible," 'I' said, "so destroying you will not teach you anything. The Titans were told specifically to not intervene with the affairs of mortals. I shall restore the damage you did by creating another universe. As for you, Invince, you shall be left to rot in this broken universe. A white void of nothingess faces you. You will not die. For countless years to come, you shall suffer, not from tortute, but from boredom. You will never sleep again and you will lose your sanity." Invince shouted, "You cannot stop me, great evil power-" In a flash of light, Invince was gone. He was sealed for good inside the broken universe. "Looks like our hero just broke the golden rule of the omniverse. 'Don't screw with the Boss'," Uszaroth said. And so, Omni 01 was created. He designed the new universe so that nothing of this sort could ever happen again...for now. Category:Example stories